April 22, 2016—Hillary Clinton has long proclaimed that gun manufacturers and other violence-peddling profiteers should be held financially responsible for the deaths that they cause second-hand.
In a heartbreakingly beautiful demonstration of the moral rectitude of her position, Mrs. Clinton today apologized for her part in overrunning Iraq with guns and tanks. Her support of the initial invasion of Iraq, and in particular her aggressive support of the Iraq surge a full two years after everyone knew that no weapons of mass destruction were hidden there, contributed to an estimated 500,000 civilian deaths.
Striking herself three times on the chest with her fist, she said, “In penance I personally will pony up an amount equal to the many millions of dollars my campaign has received from various war vulgarians. And I will distribute those funds to a renowned organization that has long worked for world peace.”
Executives at Halliburton were delighted to hear that they will be receiving another large batch of cash from the Clintons.
This story is developing—and is protected free speech under the laws governing satire.